We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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