I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
