Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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