I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
