You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
