Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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