I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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