i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize