okay pat passed out under dana's car
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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