Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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