Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
