God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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