the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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