i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
