Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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