had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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