Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
