why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
