**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
