I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
