I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
