It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
