im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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