Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
