pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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