I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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