Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
