And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
