just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
