new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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