Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize