Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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