Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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