I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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