Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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