Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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