i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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