Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
