i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
