im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And then my night got REAL pukey
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know her cup size but not her name....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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