Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
