I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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