The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
