you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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