well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
