Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
