I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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