so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
