if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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