I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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