oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Randomize
