Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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