i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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