I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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